What’s the Difference Between Spiritual Sex and Hot Sex?

I frequently ask this question at my workshops. As men answer, it’s notable to me how different the associations are. Spiritual sex seems to conjure images of eye gazing, yoga, slowness, respect, intention, thoughtfulness, etc. On the other hand, when participants describe hot sex, their voices drop in pitch, words sound more guttural, you can almost smell the animalistic vibe in their descriptions. Rough, fast, fucking against a wall, sucking cock, pheromones, urgent, anonymous, and on and on. I love all of this, both sides of this spectrum. I raise the question: what if spiritual sex and hot sex were the same?

I believe that the distinctions between spiritual sex and hot sex are not as much in what we are doing with our bodies or how, but in how we imagine what it is that we are doing. What? I don’t think that there is any such thing as sex that is not innately spiritual, because no matter what we do, our lives are already a spiritual experience. Whether or not we are aware of it, I believe that we’re always trying to bring personal and collective healing to an internal space that has been severed within us since we arrived on the planet, sex and spirit. The journey is already spiritual. We just may or may not be paying attention. 

Gay men have suffered a tremendous amount of religious and spiritual abuse because of who we fuck. When we think “spiritual,” many of us think of imposed rules, loss of adventure, and being “good boys.” We get so turned on by being “bad” and throwing off expectations of us. To me, our gay culture is largely centered in the expression of free sex. We fuck for permission to be ourselves, even after we no longer need the permission. Unfortunately, all the pain that we have suffered along the way doesn’t just go away because we take Truvada or fuck when and how we choose. We may or may not know how to bring a sense of spirituality to our lives or sexuality, because the templates that we’ve inherited have been deeply problematic in most cases.

To me, to have spiritual sex means to fuck wildly, slowly, roughly, gently, sweatily, urgently, in as many positions as we can, with as many men as feels right to our own senses of internal boundaries, scratching, kissing, licking, teasing, slapping, meditating, eye gazing, sucking, rimming, swallowing, wrestling, and on and on….To have spiritual sex means simply that we are paying attention to our experiences and investigating our choices with a sense of inquiry. We are connecting deeply with the men with whom we share our bodies. We are joining together to hold space for the incredible amount of healing that we need in our tender hearts. We are creating a shared sense of meaning and purpose as a queer tribe, tearing down walls, dispelling myths, connecting gaps between generations, lifting each other up, loving our bodies more, and sharing our vulnerabilities, because in doing so, we are infusing sex with spirit. Join our growing tribe!

Here are some ways to get involved and connect in the next couple months! 

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