Davey Wavey recently released a couple of documentary films that were captured during an erotic film shoot in Joshua Tree, California. One of these films features sexy gay porn star Adam Ramzi, and in it, he bares himself in a way that I believe to be very helpful for gay men everywhere. He discusses the challenges that he has faced around body image and aging throughout his career in porn. He models the importance of self-acceptance for his viewers and fans. Wherever we are in this same process of personal development, we may or may not realize the significance of what it can do for us to be honest with ourselves. Many times, we may even curate our sexual experiences in such a way that we don’t have to fully accept where we truly are in reality along the way to self-love.
It is a powerful admission to hear a holistic perspective like this from Ramzi, because it suggests that we all, too, have permission to accept our own bodies and current stations along our journeys towards full expression. Hearing him share honestly about his self-perception interrupts the illusions of perfection that we often project onto men in the adult film industry. If we are willing, we have the opportunity to reflect upon the nature of our relationships to our own bodies and whether or not we live up to our own sexual ideals. Frequently, we hold exaggerated illusions about what kind of sex we should be having, what kind of bodies deserve our attention, and how often we should be fucking, etc. As a result, we can become estranged from our own personal desires and unique ways of expressing them. There is so much assumption about sexuality in the queer community that we are encouraged to accept as truth. Believing in perfection, we deny ourselves the power of reality.
Let’s dig a bit more into what I’m suggesting.
We may unknowingly project assumptions and fantasies onto the people we consume in porn. We allow ourselves to believe that these fantasies are, indeed, real instead of seeing them as a symbolic narrative that holds personal and collective psychic potential. Whether or not we realize it, we see the objects of our lust as separate from us, far removed and in some ways idolized, when they are really disavowed pieces of our own psyches. Many times, we deny ourselves the very same excitement that we willingly give away to other men who we assume to be more deserving of our adoration. We vicariously enjoy our own bodies’ potential to generate pleasure and excitement through psychogenic means when we watch visual depictions of sexuality. We allow the actors before us to move and shift through these projections into visualizations that, on the surface, turn us on and throttle our desires.
Looking more closely, if we turn our awareness towards this phenomenon, we are able to gain access to a powerful reservoir of potential. Beneath the surface of our projections, the parts of ourselves that are edgy, undeveloped, and waiting for acceptance could gain access to our mind’s eye. In so doing, we have the ability to turn our inhibitions into awarenesses that will increase our capacities to feel alive and free from shame. When we accept a holistic version of sexuality and ourselves, that includes space for imperfection and the full spectrum of our emotions, even the crappy ones, we unlock enormous erotic potential to express and experience heightened sensations.
To begin this process of discovery, I frequently encourage my clients to not only develop better skill in entertaining and describing their own fantasies, but also to interpret these dreamscapes as maps to the unconscious terrains of their psyches. I encourage men to ask themselves questions like:
- With whom am I identifying in the erotic scenes that I watch or think about?
- Where do I feel these fantasies in my body?
- What does it mean to me when I experience a certain sexual act or fantasy?
- In what ways do I hold back in my own sexual expression that I long to express freely?
- How do I view myself, honestly, as an erotic being? (This is often a different perspective than how one behaves sexually. Practiced behavior is not necessarily the same as how one sees himself on the inside).
I am grateful for tools like Himeros.tv, because the films that are being produced challenge many assumptions commonly held in the gay community and encourage us to develop more personalized expressions of sexuality. I believe that adding these perspectives to the spectrum of what we are viewing helps us to interrupt assumptions that we may be holding. I greatly enjoy being a part of the creative process that fuels this project, because I am excited about the ways that I believe we are affecting the thought-field of gay sexuality. On several occasions, even my partner and I have opened up to each other after watching a video on Himeros, and these conversations have helped us to trust each other more and build more authenticity between us.
For a limited time, Himeros.tv is offering a year-long subscription for $99. If you have been curious about the content and what it can do for you, right now is a perfect time to add Himeros.tv to your erotic toolkit. See what happens when you open yourself to new ways of viewing sexuality and the potential to express more parts of yourself. I am confident that, in so doing, you will also uncover more ways to accept yourself along the way. Please message me if you would like engage with me personally about these themes.